Your Dad Stole My Rake by Tom Papa

Author:Tom Papa
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: St. Martin's Press

the wife lie detector

Your wife knows when you are lying. You should consider this a good thing. Without her, how would you ever know when you’re wrong? Seriously, isn’t it a relief to know that when you are telling a story you have someone there who stands ready to correct your every detail?

When I was on my own I had no way of knowing how wrong I was about everything. My friends never corrected me. They just let me blab on and on. They must not have cared about me as much as my wife. Think about it. All the people you work with probably just chuckle when you tell a story. How uncaring.

But your wife cares. She stands ready, like an investigator waiting to pounce on any inconsistency in a suspect’s story. I could tell a story about how my flight almost went down, forcing us to crash-land outside of Reno, where I had to jump on that slide to the tarmac, partially covered in fire, and how I was forced to spend twelve hours in the hospital next to the pilot who lost both his eyes. At the end of that tale, my wife would get everyone’s attention and let them know that I actually spent eleven hours in the hospital.

Does this detail matter to the story? No. Is it an interesting tidbit of information? Not at all. But you see, my wife is a perfectionist. When I tell a story in front of her I feel like I’m testifying before a Congressional Subcommittee on Factual Storytelling.

“Do you, Mr. Papa, solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?”

“No. No, I don’t. I’m just trying to get through this dinner party with these people. No one has told a good story yet and I figure if I could just get a couple laughs, that should ride us through dessert and we can get out of here.”

A story needs flow. It needs rhythm. It doesn’t need to be stopped dead in its tracks to correct that something cost ten dollars instead of eight!

The real reason a wife does this is that she’s a little angry with your embellishments. And why shouldn’t she be? All your cute little attempts at being charming and your blatant bending of the truth is how she got into this mess in the first place. My wife realizes now that I’m not as great as I made myself out to be. When we were dating I put on a show and she fell for it but now she realizes she was fooled.

What was I supposed to do? Show her the real me? The guy who doesn’t have the working man’s ability to fix anything and at the same time lacks the nerdy income-generating abilities of Bill Gates? No way. The one thing I could do was tell a good story, and I told her a doozy and now she’s mad and sees it as her duty to not let other people be scammed as well.

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